An Urgent Appeal

[DavidWW]

The Save The Scottish Haggis Appeal

Patrons:
The Right Honourable The Lord Shug of Auchenshuggle and Auchtermuchty
His Excellency The Ambassador of the Sami People
Her Excellency The Ambassador of Karelia


Summary

The Scottish haggis, haggiae scoticanae burnsianae, is shortly due to be placed on the IUCN Red List of threatened species by The World Conversation Union, leading to this Scottish based appeal to aid its rescue.


History

At one time the haggis roamed all over Europe, but over-hunting has progressively led to its disappearance from all but two or three countries in Europe. Butchers in many of these countries have long since developed a haggis substitute, known to gourmets and epicureans by various names, even, quel horreur!, in la Belle France.

Up to a few years ago there were infrequent sightings in Finnish Lapland of haggiae suomenlainae samiae, unique amongst haggis species in adapting to Arctic winters in the same manner as the Arctic fox, i.e., changing the colour of its coat to white in winter. A closely related species, haggiae karjalanae karelianae, was also the subject of several sighting reports from Soviet Karelia around the same time. Visitors to the folk museums in Lappeenranta and Kultula can see coats claimed to be made from this fur.

Sadly, since the Chernobyl nuclear power plant disaster and the associated fallout, there have been no further sighting reports of these Nordic species.


The Scottish Haggis

The Scottish species, haggiae scoticanae burnsianae, was greatly helped by the depopulation of the Highlands as a result of the Clearances, but has been in decline ever since the seminal event that occurred in 1801 in Greenock, leading to annual slaughters of the species.

Its survival has not been helped by an unfortunate genetic quirk. As all those familiar with the species will be aware it only has three legs and has adapted superbly well to its Scottish hillside habitat by developing two legs longer than the third (to experts a vestigial fourth leg is still just visible).

Hunting the haggis has always been far too simple, hence the season being restricted to Ne’rday, the 1st January, as all that has to be done is drive the haggi down to a flat area where all they can do is to run around in circles awaiting capture.

The genetic problem that has arisen is that male haggi have become progressively more clockwise, and female haggi increasingly more anticlockwise, i.e. the long and short legs on different sides of the body, thus leading to reproduction problems on hillsides where the Scottish haggis survives.

Experts at the Institute of Haggis Research in Auchenshuggle, after considerable study and investigation of the Kama Sutra, have attempted to train some of their captive haggi in alternative mating positions, the objective being then to re-introduce these trained haggi to the wild. Sadly, the project failed, as the haggi were disinterested and impossible to train.

Sadly, poaching outside the open season also continues to be a problem.


The Save The Scottish Haggis Appeal

This appeal has two main aims.

1. To persuade MSPs in Edinburgh to ban all forms of hunting of haggi in Scotland, thus doing away with even the traditional limited one-day hunting season.

2. To set up a number of haggis reservations in Scotland which will be strictly patrolled in order to stop any illegal haggis poaching.

Your support for this laudable project is urgently sought since there will be considerable costs involved in setting up the reservations. Once we have an indication of the level of support the Appeal Committee will be applying for matching funding from the UK Heritage Lottery Fund.

Please send your donations, folding money only please, but all fully negotiable currencies accepted, to:

The Rt Hon The Lord Shug of Auchenshuggle and Auchtermuchty
c/o 1 Middlewood Park
Deans
LIVINGSTON
West Lothian
Scotland, UK
EH54 8AZ

© David W Webster 2007
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[Pandabean]

Ahh that explains what those tracks are at the tops of mountains. The ones that go all the way round. No wonder I have been stuck up several mountains and ending up circling the mountain a few times before I realise I have seen the same rock before. I also vaugely remember being in the mist one time and hearing a wailing sound that sounded like someone playing the bagpipes very very badly. Is this related to the haggis or have I just heard an exiled piper, or even the Man of Ben Macdui.

I did manage to catch a few haggi that must have been blown off the mountain during a severe storm. They just continually went round in a circle. One of the easiest things that I have ever caught apart from the common cold.

I am against this ban on hunting them! They taste so good.

Anyone know any good poaching areas?

[DavidWW]

Ahh that explains what those tracks are at the tops of mountains. The ones that go all the way round.

That's them

No wonder I have been stuck up several mountains and ending up circling the mountain a few times before I realise I have seen the same rock before.

That all depends on your hillwalking group's policy regarding incahol

I also vaugely remember being in the mist one time and hearing a wailing sound that sounded like someone playing the bagpipes very very badly. Is this related to the haggis or have I just heard an exiled piper, or even the Man of Ben Macdui.

That all depends..... if it was actually Ben Macdui then it probably was the eponymous man!.

Otherwise you're greatly priviledged to have been one of the very few few to have heard the mating calls of haggiae scoticanae burnsianae.

I did manage to catch a few haggi that must have been blown off the mountain during a severe storm. They just continually went round in a circle. One of the easiest things that I have ever caught apart from the common cold.

I am against this ban on hunting them! They taste so good.

Anyone know any good poaching areas?

I'll ignore those last comments

David

[Pandabean]

That's them

That all depends on your hillwalking group's policy regarding incahol

I knew it. Damn haggi leading me round in circles. Incahol? We don't touch that stuff at all. Honest.

That all depends..... if it was actually Ben Macdui then it probably was the eponymous man!.
Otherwise you're greatly priviledged to have been one of the very few few to have heard the mating calls of haggiae scoticanae burnsianae.

It still may have been the man, you never know when he may want to take a holiday and go visit another mountain. But then would he really carry bagpipes with him, even if he did I am sure he could play them properly.

I'll ignore those last comments

You won't silence me I may intend to open a haggis processing plant and farm somewhere. Anyone else up for it?

[DavidWW]

I'll ignore those last comments

You won't silence me I may intend to open a haggis processing plant and farm somewhere. Anyone else up for it?

The Save The Scottish Haggis Appeal, the patrons, the committee, and our 1,000s of supporters will fight you all the way, to the House of Lords, and beyond, to Europe, if that's what it takes

David

[sheilajim]

Hi David

Aren't the Haggis an Alien Species? I know that they are cute, but weren't they responsible for all those crop circles in England a few years back?


Regards

Sheila

[DavidWW]

Hi David

Aren't the Haggis an Alien Species? I know that they are cute, but weren't they responsible for all those crop circles in England a few years back?


Regards

Sheila

Now there's a suggestion that I hadn't previously come across

I'd always believed that haggiae scoticanae burnsianae was 100% pure Scottish, and unconnected with aliens, - but then, - wha kens

David

[emanday]

OK! Let's put an end to all this speculation about the origins and nature of the honoured haggiae scoticanae burnsianae!

As Chairman and Founder Member of the "recently formed" Bristol branch of the Society for the Protection of the Reputation of the Haggis it is my duty to make clear that our beloved Haggis is quite definitely NOT of alien stock, and IS 100% Scottish!

The accusation that they are responsible for the crop circles which appeared in England is quite untrue as the Haggis has never had the inclination to leave its beloved country and, in fact, can only be made to do so if completely deid!

Also, far from being an endangered species with reproductive problems, they have a healthy and blooming population. Their sole purpose in life is to continue to provide those with the heart and soul of a Scot and a love for our Bard with the appropriate feast with which to celebrate his birth and life!

Ah'm done

[Pandabean]

Surely if the crop circles are made in England they must have been removed from their natural habitat. Someones been stealing our Haggi

[emanday]

It wisnae the Haggis that dunnit!