Hullo. Gled ye decidit tae jine meh. Ah skint mah knee this week
Ah'll tell ye aboot it later.Furst though, hiv ye ever bin daein wan eh them big jigsaws? Ye know the wans – an auld english urr swiss cottage, gerden, hunners ah flooers an merr blue sky thin should ever bae includit in a picture. An ye know how ye work away at a wee bit an finish it, an aw the pieces fit, an aw the floorers and thir stems an leaves innat urr aw sittin ther boany and perfect? An ye feel chuffed wae yersell, an ye run yer fingers ower it tae jist flatten it oot an feel the texture afore ye move oan tae anither bit eh the puzzle, raking through a big bunnle ah pieces it the side [thit aywaes seem tae lan picture side doon whin thae faw oot the boax]. An away ye go pittin a bit eh the hoose igither; the chimney urr wan eh the windaes. Urr mibby ye decide tae dae a wee bit eh the borin sky an gerrit oot eh wae. An en it happins! In amang the bunnle a pieces ye find a bit wae flooers – thit kin only belang tae the bit ye finished earlier. It jist cannae be, ye say tae tersell, ye might even utter a wee swerry wurd. Bit it is. An suddenly the whole, relaxin, pastime becomes a nightmare, an obsession as ye desperately try tae fit this new piece intae a bit eh the puzzle thit diznae want it. But it definitely belangs ther – ye know it diz!
Ah dont dae jigsaws anymerr. No sirree. Bad furr the blood pressure, the surroundin faimly, eh cat, an any breckable oabjicts within erm's reach. Insteed ah took up faimly histry. Noo thers nae denyin thit thirs a loat ah problems an mysteries in mah faimly tree - wiv aw goat thim. Bit whit keeps meh gaun is lookin back it the bits ah've finisht an fae time tae time, 'runnin mah haun ower' thae bits wae a satisfied smile afore movin oan tae the bliddy 'sky' bits again. So, imagine mah horror early in eh week whin ah uncovert a death certificate thit hiz tae fit intae a bit ah've already done [the Thoms of Carnwath tae be precise. Whit werr thae people up tae, ah've goat tae ask massell!] Trouble is, it willnae fit. An it's daein mah heid in! Ah keep sayin tae masell 'it cannae be!' But ther it is, names, places, occupation aw tie in enough tae say it's eh same faimly. Bit ither hings say 'nae wae, eez no wan eh oors!' Ah keep gaun back, an back tae it, bit stull nae luck. Ah'm seriously hinkin a gaun back tae daein jigsaws.
Anywae, ah wiz in Embra durin eh week. Jist an ower-nighter. Oan a wee trainin course ah wiz. 'Coming to Court' it wiz cawed. Noo, afore ye stert hinkin eh wrang hing, ah'm no a criminal - unless aht time a pinched a Mars Bar oot eh Co-op coonts [ah wiz very young it eh time, jist thirty two]. It's jist thit mah joab these days calls oan meh tae get involved in aw soarts eh legal stuff an insurance hings innat, an sometimes ah kin bae called tae coort tae gie evidence. So this wiz a wee skiv... ah mean, refresher oan how tae present yersell in eh witness boax – ye know the kinna hing, dont pick yer nose, check yer fly afore ye go oot, drapp eh Glesca slang, an dont call eh judge 'yer warship'. Ah'd actually hoped tae slink intae Registry Hoose furr a wee flyin visit, bit it didnae work oot. Eh course wiz awright, good in fact, bit ah kept hinkin aboot Wullie Thom. Durin eh coffee breks an lunch, evrybiddy wiz impressed bae me sittin in en eh coarner wae mah laptoap workin awae. 'Dedicated chap that.' But ah wiz actually lookin aht BDMs an tryin tae solve the puzzle. Durin the sessions, as the presenters wurr blethirn oan aboot witness behaviour, ah stertit hinking aboot Jimmy [of informant fame] an how he wid cope in coort. Merr a him later.
Oan mah wae oot ah Embra, ah peyed a wee visit tae THE Bridge. Ah know ah've bored the knickers aff yeez aw wae this bidge, bit the thing haunts meh, an ah keep learnin new hings aboot it. Ah drove alang tae South Queensferry and dumped the car ootside the Hawes. Ah stood furr a while under the approach arch high above meh an watched 'n listened tae the trains rumble acroass. Ah try tae imagine whit it wiz like when it wiz gettin built, my ancestors working high above on the steel and out on the caissons at water level. I used the binoculars to watch the guys working up there just now. The Bridge is getting a lot of work done on it and you can see the men high up on the cantilevers, like tiny orange ants, working away. How I'd love to join them. The caissons (foundation piers if you like) were constructed on shore nearby. My great grandfather was a caisson fitter. I took a walk along the track that follows the shore to see if any evidence remains of their construction. From old photos, I thought I may be able to locate the spot where these massive cylindrical structures were put together and floated out during high tide. Straight lines in the rocks had a man made look about them but there was little else to see. I decided to clamber down on to the shore to have a better look – a bad move as it turned out. As I negotiated some slippery rocks, my feet started to slide and away I went, rolling head over tt down on to the sand. It's funny how when something like that happens, the first thing you do when you stand up is to look around to see who's seen you fall! Ignoring personal injury at that moment, your main hurt is embarrassment and what people think. You stand there, dust yourself off and pretend that that's the way you wanted to do it, that you actually meant to roll down 'oan yer erse'. Then, seeing that no one was about, unless the orange ants had binoculars and were rolling about in stitches at the top of the bridge, I examined my skint knee and limped off feeling sorry for myself. Climb up onto the Bridge indeed, ah cannae even climb doon oantae the beach withoot hurtin mahsell!
Ah'll leave yeez oan this week's seance wae Jimmy in court, strugglin tae take the oath;
SCENE: Glesca Sheriff Court. In the witness box, the Sheriff Clerk is about to swear in Jimmy as a witness;
Clerk: "Please repeat after me, 'I swear by Almighty God...' "
Jimmy: "Ah swerr bae Almigh'y Goad."
Clerk: "That the evidence I give..."
Jimmy: "Aht's right."
Clerk: "Repeat it."
Jimmy: "Repeat it."
Clerk: "No! Repeat what I said."
Jimmy: "Repeat whit ye said when?"
Clerk: "That the evidence that I give..."
Jimmy: "Aht eh evidence aht ah give..."
Clerk: "Shall be the truth and..."
Jimmy: "It wull, it wull, an nuhin bit eh truth!"
Clerk: "Please, just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and...' "
Jimmy: "I'm no a scholar, ye know."
Clerk: "We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, 'Shall be the truth and nothing...' "
Jimmy: "Shall bae eh truth."
Clerk: "Say, 'Nothing...' "
Jimmy: (Remains silent)
Clerk: "No! Don't say nothing. Say 'Nothing but the truth...' "
Jimmy: "Aye."
Clerk: "Cant you say, 'Nothing but the truth...' "
Jimmy: "Aye."
Clerk: "Well? Do so."
Jimmy: "Yer confusin meh."
Clerk: "Just say, 'Nothing but the truth...' "
Jimmy: "Is aht aw?"
Clerk: "Yes."
Jimmy: "Okay. Ah unnerstaun."
Clerk: "Then say it."
Jimmy: "Whit?"
Clerk: "Nothing but the truth..."
Jimmy: "Bit ah dae! Aht's jist it"
Clerk: "You must say, 'Nothing but the truth...' "
Jimmy: "Ah WULL say nuhin bit eh truth!"
Clerk: "Please, just repeat these four words, 'Nothing'; 'But'; 'The'; 'Truth'."
Jimmy: "Whit? Ye mean, lik, noo?'
Clerk: "Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words."
Jimmy: "Nuhin. Bit. Eh. Truth."
Clerk: "Thank you."
Jimmy: "Ah'm jist no a scholar."
Note: I'd like to take total credit for the above but I've actually translated it into Glesca from an alleged original transcript from court proceedings.
Bob.